It's the Annual Holiday Cheer Generic Newsletter

[Clutch Munny]

For those who don't know: I hate Generic Holiday Newsletters. Hate them.

Still, a couple years ago I found myself sitting down to write one, just because I was sick of watching my beloved wife hand-write mostly the same long note in every card she sent out.

But... something went wrong. The first sentence was exactly what I intended. But upon reading it I was overcome with despair at the unholy ritual of tedium I was on the verge of promulgating.


Starting with Sentence Two, the letter went bad.

It's been bad ever since. Here, then, is this year's version of my Holiday Cheer Generic Newsletter -- the one that gets sent to all my relatives and some of my friends.


A Year of Cheering for Saskatchewan Football Teams in Ontario;

or, The Regina Monologues;

or, My Kidnapping and Enslavement at the Hands of the Amazonian Life-Essence Piratesses


To begin, I would like to address a complaint from many friends and family members, that we only communicate with them once per year through these holiday letters. In fact we are faithful email correspondents throughout the year, though we rarely receive replies from you. We even choose unique subject headings for our messages, such as ENLARGE YOUR HOT FREE NAKED VIAGRA MORTGAGE WITH TEEN NIGERIAN MIRACLE CURE INVESTMENTS, just to make sure they stand out from other messages you might receive. I hope you haven’t been deleting them by accident.

But down to the business at hand: relating the news of our year from the confines of my office, where I sit nude with the door almost entirely shut. It’s been an interesting year, verging on the paradoxical occasionally. For example, just last week I decided that I would buy Christmas presents for all and only those people in our family who did not buy presents for themselves. When I’d spent nine hours sitting in the car, trying to decide whether this meant I should buy myself a present, Colleen told me she’d had enough. She’s used to my being impossible, but drew the line at my being logically impossible.

Colleen herself is riding high on the wave of incompetence by which her school is run. She was almost lured away from St. Louis School (the east side of which is a notorious slum) with a contract offer from Our Lady of Reverse Peristalsis, but ultimately stayed at her old job out of institutional loyalty plus respect for a range of restraining orders and parole conditions. As a non-Catholic teaching at a Catholic school, she still experiences culture shock – her colleagues will never forget the day they told her the principal should be canonized; fortunately the weapon was registered, the police had a sense of humour, and the principal, of course, was telling no tales. But overall her job continues to be a form of employment.

The children are their usual happy selves. As part of her Grade Three curriculum Annalise studied First Nations cultures and history, followed by the history of pioneers and settlers. This was a fascinating time for all of us, as she took these studies to heart and wove them into the storytelling and imagination games with her sister and brother. Playing the part of the native, she had the run of the whole house. She held potlatches and rain dances – it was very cute. Gradually, however, her “pioneer” sister and brother were able to confine her first to the upper floor, then to a single room, and finally to a small closet, into which they passed smallpox-infected blankets and starvation rations. Luckily social services had no jurisdiction to intervene, under the terms of a treaty negotiated amongst the children. (And periodically “renegotiated” by Madeleine and George.) One more incident and there might have been legal action – a shocking injustice in itself, given that on those other occasions the car doors were safely locked and the children were fairly well hidden beneath blankets.

As always, there’s not much to tell about me. It was a good year of teaching, with my student course appraisals expressing such plaudits as, “Some course!”, “Waste no time signing up for this guy’s class!”, and “Professor certainly understands what ‘inappropriate touching’ means.” I know the Chair of my department is quietly proud of me, as he’s drawn me aside on several occasions to assure me that he’ll be bringing me to the attention of the Dean. It’s all hush-hush, but there’s some intimation that there’s a holiday in it for me! So stay tuned; we may all come visiting soon. In the meantime,


Happy holidays!

[Godless Dave]

What a great letter! Please tell me it's the one you're actually sending.

[wade-w]

Brilliant, as always, Clutch.

[livius drusus]

I swear it gets better every year. Favorite bits: Clutch the logical impossibility, Annalise's trail of tears, and of course, the inappropriate touching. Lucky fucking students.

[Clutch Munny]

GD, that is totally the letter we are sending.

Since you like it, and since they aren't posted here on the Forum of Forums (Fora? Forum the bell tolls?)... I include the past two letters as well:

2002: That Was the Year That that Year Was

Holiday season again, and time to pass on the news of our year. As years go, we found this one to have twelve months, more or less. All of them were jam-packed with fun, action, multi-player battles, secret levels, and cheat codes.

No, just kidding. In fact the year was a bit more quiet around the house than previous years, since the kids have grown up enough to be placed in textile sweatshops. They often complain about the working conditions – as if light and ventilation were essential to life! – but underneath it all I’m pretty sure they value the responsibility we’ve placed on them. And heaven knows we’ll need the money when it comes time to flee the country!

Colleen’s teaching went well, until her condition re-appeared after several years of dormancy. I’d been surprised to learn that it could go dormant at all, but a careful diet that avoided seafood and all other forms of nutrition had kept it in check till now. The student she bit is recovering well, and is expected to walk again if the artificial hip lives up to its early promise. Unfortunately, in the confusion of her psychiatric disorder, the “incident”, and her staff room oath that her colleagues would “come to know the meaning of terror”, it emerged that Colleen was not Catholic. Of course, standards are standards, and this discovery led to the termination of her contract with the Catholic Board of Education.

School wasn’t boring for the children, either. Annalise especially enjoyed chatting and visiting with her many new friends. However, since she was all alone on these occasions, this was just another cause for concern among her teachers, care-givers, and law-enforcement officers. But what a sense of humour! We’d told her the little joke about having stolen her from the gypsies as a baby, which she enjoyed as much as the next kid. But how many children would have the waggish wit to go out and actually steal a baby from a gypsy family, just to see our reaction? Well, the extra mouth is a burden, but you can’t deny a great joke.

Madeleine’s bout with Spanish Screaming Disease has almost run its course. We were sceptical when the diagnosis first came in – “Like Tourettes,” we were told, “but louder, with gestures, and a fixation on turbot. Oh, and in Spanish” – but the blood test proved it beyond the shadow of a doubt. She had to be home-schooled when the disease left her anti-social, paranoid, and slightly backwards. Happily, this placed her in the upper two percent of home-schooled children, and we have since been granted a four million dollar research grant by the Fraser Institute to produce an action plan called Even More Choices in Education.

Sadly, this idyll has been tarnished by George, who at two years of age spent the year under a severe delusion of grandeur that caused him to claim he was three. We explained his birthday, and counted the years for him again and again, until it finally became clear that he was claiming to be Three. That is, George believes himself to be a Trinity. He will often refuse to eat his dinner unless we tell him that it’s merely an accidental mode of a simple substance that will participate in his digestive essence without changing it. I don’t have to tell you what that means!

And me? Well, it’s the same old, same old: stuntman work when I can get it, freelance “marital aids” advisor, convenor of the annual whitewater knitting marathon, and CSIS informant. I won’t bore you with the details, except to say it was a very interesting year for some of you, judging from the files I’ve seen. Happy holidays!


2003: A Look Back at the Year in Review: A Retrospective


Another year has passed us by, full of many occasions and several events. In recognition of the holiday season, we’re sending you the news of our past twelve months, along with a smile, some holiday cheer, and a DNA sample that’s probably too small for you to notice.

Life is good for all of us, just like always. It’s hard to believe that we’re less than a year from having all three kids in some form of institution! Colleen is betting it will be school all around, but I say, Never say never! Certainly George is looking forward to joining his sisters at school, where they have been playing an intricate game called “Shakedown” with their classmates. I’m not entirely clear on the rules, but it sounds like the usual dolls, and stuffed animals, and imaginary lit matches held to fingertips. They even take real matches as props! Though they always forget to bring them home again, the scamps. However the game works, it seems to keep them in spending money.

Colleen is still teaching at the same school, having turned down a transfer to Our Lady of Illicit Procedures Collegiate. It was a rewarding year for her, in the sense that she received cash rewards for turning in several of her students. She was also able to engage the minds of several others, focusing them on the benefits of education, and away from a life of gang violence and corporate accounting. The ugly past incidents with other staff members have been expertly smoothed over and forgotten, through a combination of excellent interpersonal skills and a 700% annual staff turnover.

Annalise is her precocious little self, always befriending and petting some neighbourhood animal or other, before quickly stuffing it in a sack and feeding it to one of her “test subjects”. I have to admit, I wondered at the time whether a cage full of reptiles and a gene-splicing kit was the best birthday present, but I think the results more than speak for themselves. She has an intimate grasp of biochemistry, and the local stray animal population is tightly controlled. Of course I have to give her the occasional, “As long as you live under this roof, you won’t meddle with forces of nature you can’t possibly understand until your homework is finished” talk. But that’s just a normal part of growing up.

Madeleine greatly enjoyed working through the second Harry Potter book this year, a sign, we think, of impressive literacy for a five year-old. She’s enraptured at the adventures of the books’ heroes and protagonists, and if she’s disappointed when Harry Potter beats them, she’s always hopeful about the next volume. “Sooner or later,” she giggles, “that smug little do-gooder will roast on a spit” Her charm and very subtle sense of irony continue to shine through in everything.

George has now almost completely succeeded in moving into the house of our elderly neighbours. Disappointed with the lack of privacy and personal space afforded him by his sisters, he realized in late May that our neighbours, both in their nineties, could hardly hear and can only see motion. Throughout the summer he would quietly slip into their house when they opened their door to glare at passing teenagers. Then he’d spend a relaxing day wandering around, watching the upstairs television, and raiding the refrigerator. As long as he freezes against the wall when they enter the room, he goes undetected. Having donned frilly-curtain camoflage to covertly remove him on a couple of occasions, I decided it was better to let the behaviour sort itself out. He has since taken a suitcase over, but as long as he eats here, we’re a family.

And me? Well, you know. Still just dynamiting the mango wagon, as the saying goes. Happy holidays to you, and all our love!

[wei yau]

That was just wonderful. I applaud you.

My favorite part is the bit about email spam, excellent.

[LadyShea]

Thanks Clutch, brilliant as always! I so look forward to reading your warm family greetings.

BTW, I want to share these with two people, My dad and a gentleman I work with, both of whom need the laughs and would find it funnier if they knew you were a smart feller and not just Joe Smartass....what subject do you teach? Am I supposed to know this information already?

[viscousmemories]

Thanks for sharing, Clutch. Your newsletter has become one of my favorite holiday traditions.

[Sweetie]

That was extremely well-written, amusing and thought-provoking as well as just things interestingly phrased, irony and so on and so forth. A little editing and I would enjoy reading that in a magazine.

[RevDahlia]

Man, if anybody in my family sent Christmas letters like those, I'd enjoy receiving Christmas letters.

I'm also glad that there's a little kid named George out there. George is a great name, distinctive amidst all the Bradens and Taylors and Keegans.

[wade-w]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

what subject do you teach? Am I supposed to know this information already?

IIRC, Clutch is a professor of philosophy.

[LadyShea]

Originally Posted by wade-w

IIRC, Clutch is a professor of philosophy.

Thank you wade! See I was supposed to know that.

[Goliath]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

Thank you wade! See I was supposed to know that.

Well, it will be on the quiz!

[Clutch Munny]

Originally Posted by RevDahlia

I'm also glad that there's a little kid named George out there. George is a great name, distinctive amidst all the Bradens and Taylors and Keegans.

Thanks. It's a name with a long history on both sides of the family, and the wee man wears it well.

[LadyShea]

Originally Posted by Goliath

Well, it will be on the quiz!

Oh shit who's administering a quiz? I will flunk for sure. My brain ain't what it used to be.

[bobeh]

Originally Posted by Clutch Munny

A Year of Cheering for Saskatchewan Football Teams in Ontario;
or, The Regina Monologues;
Happy holidays!

Most excellent christmas newsletter...

And I digress...OT of course. I thought I was the only person in Ontario cheering for the Riders.

And to everyone else...yes, Regina does rhyme with well...you know. I've always had trouble with that word myself. Too clinical or something.

[livius drusus]

How did you cope with the first Austin Powers movie, bobeh?

Clutch, it's just so good of you to post the whole collection here. Not only does it make me glow with pride, but also has several other far less dignified physiological effects. You are one funny motherfucker, my friend.

[Gawen]

*laffin*....why aren't you a sitcom writer?

[livius drusus]

Because he's actually funny.

[viscousmemories]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

Because he's actually funny.

Dammit, she stole my line.

Well okay her line is better than the one I was gonna come up with.

[Goliath]

Originally Posted by LadyShea

Oh shit who's administering a quiz? I will flunk for sure. My brain ain't what it used to be.

Professor Clutch will be giving the quiz, of course. Why haven't you been to class? Are you ready for the Final Exam tomorrow?

And...oh my god, why are you dressed in nothing but your underwear?!

[Goliath]

I haven't had the chance to read all three letters until now...all that I can say is:



Brilliant! I especially loved the use of Russell's Paradox...absolutely brilliant! Thank you for making my day, Clutch.

[Shake]

Originally Posted by Clutch Munny

The children are their usual happy selves. As part of her Grade Three curriculum Annalise studied First Nations cultures and history, followed by the history of pioneers and settlers. This was a fascinating time for all of us, as she took these studies to heart and wove them into the storytelling and imagination games with her sister and brother. Playing the part of the native, she had the run of the whole house. She held potlatches and rain dances – it was very cute. Gradually, however, her “pioneer” sister and brother were able to confine her first to the upper floor, then to a single room, and finally to a small closet, into which they passed smallpox-infected blankets and starvation rations. Luckily social services had no jurisdiction to intervene, under the terms of a treaty negotiated amongst the children. (And periodically “renegotiated” by Madeleine and George.) One more incident and there might have been legal action – a shocking injustice in itself, given that on those other occasions the car doors were safely locked and the children were fairly well hidden beneath blankets.

In the upcoming year, she'll be able to move out into her own place due to the income from the casino which she'll set up. Right? That's if she doesn't become an alcoholic.

[Clutch Munny]

Originally Posted by Shake

In the upcoming year, she'll be able to move out into her own place due to the income from the casino which she'll set up. Right? That's if she doesn't become an alcoholic.

If you're trying to channel my relatives, you're supposed to ask why she doesn't get off her ass and do some work, after all the breaks she's gotten from the goddamned government.


Goliath, glad you enjoyed!

[wei yau]

Again, I need to state just how much I enjoyed these letters. Great humor, intelligent and witty.

How does your family respond to these letters?