Thanks for unwittingly bumping this thrad, pea. I'm so blind by unconsolable rage that I might not have been able to find it on my own!
What has the otherwise phlegmatic BrotherMan in a tizzy now? I'LL TELL YOU.
First and foremost: NO BACKYARD NEIGHBOR PIBBLES
STILL! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE TEASING ME WITH THE JOY OF NEARBY FACE MAWLING PLEASURES, EVEN IF IT IS STILL BY PROXY1?
For no good reason today was the day for my semimonthly trip to the store. I usually wait until I have a stack of errands to do before I do this
chore. The usual round is from home to the bank then to the store and then maybe to a special treat place if I think I've been a good Borther. Most times it's a pleasant and easy trip. No hassles, no traffic snaggles and nobody pissing me off by their existence.
Not. Today.
Everything is just peachy, as usual, when I get to my car. Oh, sure, it's warmer than I normally care for it but that's okay. I'm in such a good mood I even roll down my windows to enjoy the hot, but nice, day!
Thank you Kindly Spirits of Good Days™ for this Good Day!
The goodestness of the day ends there. I wind my way out of the subdivision and onto a real world road. Who knew at the same time someone a third of a mile away was doing the exact same thing! I get my car up to, okay a bit beyond, the speed limit and the person who was in front of me must have been afraid of the WIND because they were doing ten miles per hour under the posted limit! And if it were just that I might be able to reason it away because there's a turn another one third of a mile ahead and a few hundred feet beyond that is a traffic light. But it wasn't just the speed. This person was drifting out of the lane onto the shoulder
just because there were cars in the other lane. How do I know this? BECAUSE THEY DID THE SAME THING WHEN THEY GOT TO THE TRAFFIC LIGHT.
I quickly think to myself:
Self. You are going to go mad if you stay behind this scaredy cat scaredy all the way to the bank. And I probably would have, too. I put myself into the left turn lane at the traffic light thinking
Ha HA! You won't stymie me today! But the Kindly Spirits of Good Days™ were no longer smiling upon me. The road I turned onto was now a construction zone. I had actually considered the construction road into my reasoning. I was expecting some delay. But I didn't calculate on the full stop delay(s) that were there. Though I may have misjudged by
time so rudely taken from me I still think construction delay was the best option besides wandering behind Scaredy Driver.
But that alone wouldn't have been enough to shift this from Good Day™ to Not Good Day™! Oh no. It continues! I get to the bank with almost no incident. (There was a red light runner who could have caused something. I tootled my horn at her because she needed to know what a dumb cunt she was and I wasn't about to let her get away scot free!) But at the bank the traffic snarl gets dumber! Before I dive into that, you have to understand something about Delaware roads and parking lots: They're fucking stupid. Seriously. Stupid. There's rarely an entrance where you're trying to get to. No, you either have to know to turn at the road before you get there or hope there's an access after you pass the store. And even when you magically find your way into the parking lot it's a goddamn maze to get to the parking spots! I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING KIDDING.
So, there are TWO vehicles stuck in the maze of Bank Parking. One is trying to stupidly turn around
in the fucking access choke and at the other exit is a mother fucking tractor trailer blocking every goddamn thing else! So, I can't go the way I normally do and even my back up plan needs a back up plan - one where I have to avoid other drivers trying to make the best out of a moronic situation they didn't create.
Luckily, the kindly bank teller is a kindly bank teller and not someone just doing what they have to in order to collect a check. Project Replenish Funds succeeds with no further incident.
On my way out of Bank Parking another moron who has no clue what the fucking signal do on their own damn vehicle STOPS in front of the bank and stops. (Yes, STOPS and stops.) No blinker. No flashers. No friendly wave around. JUST FUCKING STOPS and expects everyone around them to mystically scry what the fuck they intend for the rest of the world to do while they STOP.
When the traffic is clear I put their stupid stopping ass behind me
for good. I get me to the Food Store so I don't starve over the next several days. No traffic incidents there. But, damn, what the fuck did I ask for at the deli? HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF TURKEY BREAST? Generally, I'm only partially satisfied with the store deli I use. Most of the time I order whatever they have on special. But not this time! (God, that's what to day is, isn't it? NOT THIS TIME BORTHERMAN DAY.) It's only pressed and cured meats on special.
Oh crap. says me. Now I have to stare at the meager selection in the case and guess at what the prices might be because not everything is marked!
Fuck you, Food Store. Fuck. You. (But the deli lady was friendly so I don't hold no grudge on her, just the Faceless Store.)
Ah, trip almost done! I think as I carry my goods out. One more stop and it's homeward bound - and I'm totally starting to feel as happy as that dopey dog Michael J. Fox voiced in
Homeward Bound. BUT MY TROUBLES, THEY ARE NOT DONE.
Keeping in mind that Delaware Parking Lots are Stupid: I
eventually make my way to a local chain convenience store (just for that one thing that I am totally addicted to now: frozen coffees) and the universe is bent on making me suffer for my selfishness! FUCK YOU UNIVERSE WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU! Because as I get into the parking lot I'm forced to drive around people who are gabbing from their cars. And one Gabber decides that [i]right then, right when I'm driving around them, is the best time to back up - BACK UP WHEN THEY HAVE ALL THE ROOM IN THE WORLD TO TURN AROUND FORWARDS FACING. Let me tell you! I tootled my HORN at them BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID.
GODFUCKINGDAMMIT PEOPLE I JUST WANT TO GET SOME THINGS DONE TODAY WHY ARE YOU ALL, ALL OF YOU, BEING FUCKING STUPID WHEN THE LAST HUNDREDITY TIMES I'VE DONE THIS NONE OF YOU WERE STUPID!?
IT'S A MOTHER FUCKING WEDNESDAY, 2:30 IN THE PM EVEN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOU DUMBASSES ORDERING FROM MY LOCAL CONVENIENCE CHAIN STORE WHEN ALL I WANT IS A TASTY AND DELICIOUS FROZENS COFFEE THAT SHOULD HAVE ONLY TAKEN 3 MINUTES BUT IS NOW TAKING 10 MINUTES. GO THE FUCK HOME OR TO WORK OR ANY OTHER FUCKING PLACE BUT IN MY WAY. I want to tell them all. But being the good natured and generally phlegmatic BrotherMan, I don't.
(In painful self admonishment, I did some stupid driving trying to get out of the STUPID parking lot. I can't explain it with out a drawing so you'll just have to imagine me having, by complete and utter accident, upset someone else's possibly Good Day™ by some minor amount.)
And because the UNIVERSE is some kind of practical joker, I'm finally on the road that leads home (where I encountered Scaredy Driver, remember) AND I GET BEHIND ANOTHER
I'M NOT DOING THE SPEED LIMIT BECAUSE BORTHERMAN IS BEHIND ME AND TODAY IS THE DAY THAT IT'S NOT FOR HIM DAY. Which, I guess is some kind of way of keeping me humble or some bullshit.
So there you have it,
ers.
BortherMan and His Almost Good, Very Troubling, Angrifying, Why Does the Universe Hate Me Day.
Re: New And Improved Rant Thread, now with 50% more profanity!
and.. well, it's Friday... I didn't get to sleep last night until about 1:00 am, got up at 6'ish, came to work for 8, to find that both spectacularly useless assbitches called out today. 
to eat, so I know I'm when I'm REALLY stressed or REALLY sick when I can't eat. 
Linear Mode
