I Fought the LOL and the LOL Won

[Stephen Maturin]

Jesus Christ, what a dumbfuck. Med mal defense lawyers benefit not only from the fact that they don't need to prove anything at trial but also from heavy reluctance of people in general to believe docs are capable of fucking up in life-threatening ways. So what do you do upon getting a 100% successful outcome like this? Brag on video about how you were able to blame others for your guy's fuck-up.

show spoiler

Smart money says the professional liability insurer that funded the defense will be all like, "Who has two thumbs and won't be paying the attorney fees for this here retrial"?

[Stephen Maturin]

Trump has yet again found the BEST LAWYERS. On Monday a new trio of clowns commenced a lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida seeking a bunch of crackheaded relief as to the FBI search of the trash palace. They commenced the case by filing a motion - not a complaint, but a motion - that rambles on for 20+ pages before demanding "an order that: (a) appoints a Special Master; (b) enjoins further review of seized materials by the Govemment until a Special Master is appointed (c) requires the Government to provide a more detailed Receipt For Property; and (d) requires the Government to return any item seized that was not within the scope of the Search Warrant."

An online docket is available here, and already contains some entertaining shit. On the day of filing, for example, we see:

Clerk's Notice of Filing Deficiency Re: 1 Complaint filed by Donald J. Trump. Document(s) were filed conventionally that should have been filed electronically (CM/ECF Administrative Procedures). (jas) (Entered: 08/22/2022)

Also, two of the three lolyers on this complaint are not admitted to the bar of this particular court. Accordingly, they need permission to appear and represent a party in this particular case, what's called a pro hac vice admission. They dutifully filed motions to appear pro hac vice, but . . .

PAPERLESS ORDER denying without prejudice 5 6 Motions to Appear Pro Hac Vice, Consents to Designation, and Requests to Electronically Receive Notices of Electronic Filing for M. Evan Corcoran and James M. Trusty. Local counsel is instructed to refile the motions in strict accordance with Local Rule 4(b) of the Rules Governing the Admission, Practice, Peer Review, and Discipline of Attorneys. A sample motion can be found on the Court's website at Pro Hac Vice Appearance | Southern District of Florida | United States District Court. Signed by Judge Aileen M. Cannon on 8/23/2022. (dsy) (Entered: 08/23/2022)

It is difficult to fuck up a pro hac vice motion. Every court in the federal system has detailed instructions in their local rules, and most - like this one - have a fill-in-the-blank form. But Messrs. Corcoran and Trusty believed, achieved, and did in fact fuck it up. (Yesterday they got it right and received the court's permission to represent Trump in this here lolsuit.)

But the real entertainment came on Tuesday when the judge assigned to the case, a Trump appointee, wrote:

PAPERLESS ORDER: The Court is in receipt of 1 Plaintiff's Motion for Judicial Oversight and Additional Relief. To facilitate appropriate resolution, on or before August 26, 2022, Plaintiff shall file a supplement to the Motion further elaborating on the following: (1) the asserted basis for the exercise of this Court's jurisdiction, whether legal, equitable/anomalous, or both; (2) the framework applicable to the exercise of such jurisdiction; (3) the precise relief sought, including any request for injunctive relief pending resolution of the Motion; (4) the effect, if any, of the proceeding before Magistrate Judge Bruce E. Reinhart; and (5) the status of Plaintiff's efforts to perfect service on Defendant. Signed by Judge Aileen M. Cannon on 8/23/2022. (AMC) (Entered: 08/23/2022)

Saw some people on line shrieking about a Trump-appointed judge going out of her way to help Trump, but lol no. That's not what a judge helping a litigant looks like. Rather, this is a judge telling a litigant, "Please have someone with a clue completely rewrite whatever the fuck that is until it becomes an actual law thingy."

The out-of-state loyers are this guy and this guy, who claim expertise in white collar criminal defense. This is Trump's local counsel, cuz it's all all about the cute chickypoos with that Trump guy. She spends her days helping insurance companies stiff policyholders on first-party claims.

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

The best part of The Onion's brief is the section that describes what parody is - a look under the hood of The Onion's writing process: pic.twitter.com/AtkqkuWKgZ

— Christian Schneider (@Schneider_CM) October 3, 2022

[Stephen Maturin]

INTEREST OF THE AMICUS CURIAE

The Onion is the world’s leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history.

In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.

[BrotherMan]

I should have knowned that someborty would beat me to the punch of posting what is most likely going to go down in history as the greatest amicus brief in all of all time and history.

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

Bend over, Alex. You're facing the fully loaded burrito.

[BrotherMan]

Thanks to tort reform, the actual amount will be an incredibly insultingly smaller amount. That he still won't pay, I'm sure.

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

pic.twitter.com/Ic1GSiS27F

— The Call is Coming from Inside the Nash (@Nash076) October 12, 2022

[Stephen Maturin]

There's a titty bar in this part of the world called Shotgun Willie's, which bills itself "Denver Metro’s premiere and most legendary Gentleman’s club."

Back in 2019, a 48-year-old patron (an executive with Kroger, a massive grocery store operation) died at the place. The decedent's heirs filed a wrongful death action, claiming the death resulted from a tackle and chokehold administered by one of the bartenders. Shotgun Willie's alleges the cause of death was a preexisting heart condition.

The case has been trundling along at a glacial pace, but was all set for trial early next month until one of Shotgun Willie's lawyers died . . . at Shotgun Willie's. Dudebro, 70 years of age, apparently had two or three drinks over the course of two hours before starting to act crazy. One witness opined that the lawyer was on shrooms because it sounded like he was hallucinating.

One of the employees apparently drove old dude home only to bring him back to the club for fear of leaving the guy alone in his severely addled state. They left him in his car in Shotgun Willie's parking lot and checked on him periodically. Around 11:30 that night they saw he wasn't breathing and called 911. Too late!

The description of the hearing on Shotgun Willie's motion to continue the trial gave me a lol or two:

Listening to arguments for four hours, the presiding judge, Peter Michaelson, reportedly sighed, cradled his head in his hands and rubbed his face as he listened to a chain of events unlikely to have much precedent in American jurisprudence.

The Shotgun Willie's lawyer who argued the motion "acknowledg[ed] it was 'kind of weird' that Long died at the club he was defending over another death."

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[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Stephen Maturin

One of the employees apparently drove old dude home only to bring him back to the club for fear of leaving the guy alone in his severely addled state. They left him in his car in Shotgun Willie's parking lot and checked on him periodically. Around 11:30 that night they saw he wasn't breathing and called 911. Too late!

That's crazy, why didn't they take him to A&E, oh right - America.

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

By the description of the story involving the mishandling of booze, Russia or any other place where they make vodka* could apply.

*except . Those motherfuckers can pack it back and still make it in to work in the morning

[viscousmemories]

Originally Posted by JoeP

That's crazy, why didn't they take him to A&E, oh right - America.

Why would they have taken him to a TV studio?

[ChuckF]

Originally Posted by viscousmemories

Why would they have taken him to a TV studio?

Bravo

[Stephen Maturin]

Alan Dershowitz's years-long masterclass in how to fuck up a legacy continues.

Back in April 2022, Dersh was one of three lolyers who signed the complaint that commenced this steaming turd of a lawsuit aimed at precluding Arizona from using electronic voting machines in the November 2022 election. The federal judge on whose desk the turd landed dismissed the case in its entirety on lack-of-standing standing grounds, and members of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors, all named as defendants, moved for sanctions per Fed. R. Civ. P 11 and 28 U.S.C. § 1927.

The judge granted the sanctions motion on December 1, 2022:

As discussed herein, any objectively reasonable investigation of this case would have led to publicly available and widely circulated information contradicting Plaintiffs’ allegations and undercutting their claims. Thus, Plaintiffs either failed to conduct the reasonable factual and legal inquiry required under Rule 11, or they conducted such an inquiry and filed this lawsuit anyway. Either way, no reasonable attorney, “after conducting an objectively reasonable inquiry into the facts and law, would have found the complaint to be well-founded.

The sanctions, imposed on the lolyers only, included payment of all Maricopa County's attorney fees, totaling $141,690.00.

The sanctions motion relied on multiple authorities that provide for entering sanctions against lawyers only. Dersh signed the response to the sanctions motion, which the court ultimately found . . . well, let's say "unpersuasive."

Six weeks after the sanctions order, Dersh filed a motion demanding that Maricopa County be ordered to show cause why Dersh should be jointly and severally liable for all dem fees. It's some real shotgun shit: I'm very old, I have COVID, I've had three strokes, I never even met the plaintiffs, I was only a "consultant" hired by the other lawyers, I'm not gonna come right out and say it but the other lawyers may have e-signed my name to that complaint without my permission or otherwise improperly.

Dersh's reply brief is pretty good as well. He repeats all the whining from his motion, then adds that it's all good cuz one purpose of Rule 11 is to deter future misconduct, and if Dersh did anything wrong here, that purpose won't be served because he promises never to do it again!

[Stephen Maturin]

We'll put this in the litigation disaster tourism thread, although it also belongs in the anti-vax shitbird thread.

Briefly stated, a bunch of anti-vax celebrities/grifters have sued the Washington Post, BBC, Associated Press, and Reuters in a Texas federal court for antitrust violations, claiming the defendants' alleged Sherman Act violations got them booted from social media sites like Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

Just check out the plaintiffs listed in that complaint. We've got RFK Jr. and his griftofoundation, alt-med billionaire and legendarily prolific COVID disinformation purveyor Joe Mercola, the Bollingers of anti-vax and alt-cancer cure fame, Gateway Pundit's Jim Hoft, arguably the stupidest man in internet history, Joe Mercola's main squeeze/alt-med millionaire/anti-semite Erin Elizabeth . . . it's a true cavalcade of wealthy, booger-eating, trash-rises-to-the-top clowns.

Plaintiffs' lolyers are, of course, top notch. We've got National College for DUI Defense member Ryan Patrick Brown, who serves as in-state counsel. And then there's a couple of anti-vax crusaders from California (Pro Hac Vice Forthcoming!) whose website . . . well, ya just gotta see it for yourownself.

The case has landed on the desk of this guy, arguably the trumpist Article III jurist of them all. Buckle up, motherfuckers. Gonna be a wild ride.

Kennedy v. Washington Post

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

I’m sorry but this is cracking me up pic.twitter.com/KvkyPTbZK9

— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) January 25, 2023

[Kamilah Hauptmann]

Some foreign lolyering that the local lolyers might enjoy:

Welcome to nginx eaa1a9e1db47ffcca16305566a6efba4!104.192.220.81

Maybe give Matlock something to read on a tablet while he's immobilized.

[LarsMac]

And, of course, Florida has to get into the act.
US agencies debunk Florida surgeon general’s vaccine claims

[Stephen Maturin]

Originally Posted by Stephen Maturin

Our attorney regulation authorities are after lolyer in a big way based on shenanigans he pulled in other cases in which our firm was much more heavily involved. Those shenanigans included - naturally - document fraud.

Shitboy got suspended from the practice of law for three years - none of it stayed, no probation - and can't even apply for reinstatement until he pays the over $330K in attorney fees judgments against him in the cases referenced above. I was hoping for disbarment, but that shit almost never happens in this here state. But hey, since there's no chance in fucking fuck that he'll ever pay a penny of those judgments, which have been accruing statutory interest at 8% for years, the suspension order is likely a de facto disbarment.

Shitboy will likely appeal to the state supreme court, a risky move considering the possibility that the court has (and in some cases actually exercises) authority to determine that the sanction is too lenient.

[Ensign Steve]

Clarence Thomas says trips with billionaire didn't need to be disclosed at the time - CNNPolitics

Justice Clarence Thomas said Friday that he did not disclose luxury travel paid for by a Republican donor because he was advised at the time that he did not have to report it.

In a rare statement sent via the Supreme Court's public information office, Thomas said that the trips he and his wife, conservative activist Ginni Thomas, took with the donor Harlan Crow and his wife -- whom Thomas describes as among his family's "dearest friends" -- were the "sort of personal hospitality from close personal friends" that he was advised did not require disclosure.

Advised by whom? His fucking lolyer?

[Ensign Steve]

There's more fun passive voice later in the article.

The justice notes that the guidelines for reporting personal hospitality have been recently changed.

Again, by whom? I thought legit news outfits like CNN were supposed to know better than to use language like that.

[ChuckF]

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

Advised by whom? His fucking lolyer?

I think we all know by whom.

[Stephen Maturin]

Originally Posted by Clarence Thomas

"Early in my tenure at the Court, I sought guidance from my colleagues and others in the judiciary, and was advised that this sort of personal hospitality from close personal friends, who did not have business before the Court, was not reportable."

If you can't trust Tony Scalia and Wild Bill Rehnquist in that regard, who can you trust?

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

There's more fun passive voice later in the article.

Can't we just say "mistakes were made" and be done with it?

[Basset Hound]

Did you fuddle a wuh?

[Stephen Maturin]

Originally Posted by ChuckF

I think we all know by whom.

The truth is that I did ask Chief Justice William Rehnquist once, right after I joined the Court thirty years ago, if all the gifts given to me by super-wealthy Republican donors had to be disclosed in order for the public to maintain their faith that we are an impartial jury ruling without favor for what we believe is in the public interest. It is my belief that his subsequent laughing fit caused the anaplastic thyroid cancer that eventually killed him. So, out of a sense of duty and loyalty to America, I never again risked another justice’s life by asking such questions.

lol