Untitled D&D Sketch

Untitled D&D Sketch
Brimshack
(1/21/08)

Intro Narrative:

(very serious tone) Ladies and gentleman, parents, teachers, ministers, politicians, concerned citizens of our great nation. We know that you are all concerned. It has been quite awhile since you have had any new information on the nature of this very serious matter. Others have tried to study the subject, and we have all learned from their efforts. But it has been years since you have had a proper update on the game of Dungeons and Dragons, otherwise known as D&D. People are still playing it. Yes, it’s true. There are indeed gamers out there, and they are probably playing a game somewhere in your neighbourhood right now.

What is most important to realise ladies and gentlemen is that this game and others like it have evolved, as has the mysterious culture in which it flourishes. A crowd of gamers remains every bit as frightening as it was when we first learned of this phenomenon back in the 1980s. The threat these miscreants pose to our society, our beliefs, and values, even our previous vital fluids, has evolved considerably. Without careful attention, many will fail to recognise its new dangers.

What we have for you today is a peek into the current state of this nefarious activity, a view of the modern threat to our cherished civilisation and the gamers who contribute to it. This is a chance to see into the lives of modern gamers. It’s not pretty. Still, we must all examine this enduring phenomenon with an unflinching eye and a tightly clenching set of sphincter muscles. (Pause) …Ladies and gentlemen, please pay very close attention as we bring you this glimpse into the lives of modern gamers.

Characters:

Jane: (With Chris)
Laura: Goth
Chris: (With Jane)
David: Has laptop Occasionally looks at Viking Hat guy a little disgusted
Mark: Big guy Wearing a Viking Hat. Not present at first. A vacant place is at the table.
Rob: Guy with back or side to the group, clearly playing a video game on a computer set up on a nearby table. He is very intent on the video game.
GM (“John”): Way too into the game. Lots of gaming materials all over the place. Notes galore.

Scene:

This is a D&D Game in someone’s kitchen or basement. Several people in their late teens to mid twenties are clustered around a table. The table is cluttered with game materials and the space around it is crowded. The conversation is fast paced. The characters talk over each other a great deal.

It Begins

Jane: So like, which one is the 4 sided dice?

GM: You can tell them apart by remembering the basic shapes. They are all poly....

Laura: (bored and sarcastic) It’s right under your hand. (There are several dice under Jane’s hand, but the 4 sided is directly under it.)

David: Come on Jane, you’ve you can remember this.

Jane: This one? Picks up 20 sided near her other hand.

GM: Okay, I’m trying to explain. There are 4 sided, 6 sided…

Laura: No, not that one. Look how many sides does it have. Does that look like it has just 4 sides?
Jane: (looking at the dice in her hand) I don’t know how many sides does it have? It looks like a lot.

GM: That one in your hand is a 20 sided dice. The whole system is based on that dice. It’s what you roll for your attacks, your saves, your…

Jane: So, that’s what I roll, right?

All others present but Chris: No.

Laura: The 4 sided. It’s right under your hand.

GM: You’re rolling damage for your dagger. If you were rolling the actual attack, then it would be the 20 sided dice, but you’ve already done that. So, now…

Jane: (Ignoring the GM and looking at Chris) Which one, do I roll honey? (She is clearly happy to be asking HIM what to do. Chris comes out of happy trance and looks like he’s trying to figure out what she is asking him.)

Mark: (Enters the scene and begins handing people sodas. Picks up the 4 sided dice as its right next to wear he puts a soda for Chris and hands it to Laura.) Here it is; what do you want it for?

Jane: I’m killing the ogre.

Mark: You’re not going to roll that are you? (Slight disbelief)

Jane: I’m going to kill the Ogre! (beaming with pride!)

Mark: Okay-y (as if he thinks there is something wrong with that.)

Laura: Not likely?

Chris: I asked for Mountain Dew.

Rob: (Without looking up from his computer, he takes the soda from Chris, opens it and begins drinking. Chris looks helpless, and Jane is shaking the dice in preparation for rolling it).

GM: Okay, so now you roll the dice?

Jane: (Rolls dice, then looks confused at the result) Which one is…, how do you…

Laura: It’s a 4.

GM: Plus how much?

Jane: What do you mean? (deer caught in headlights)

Chris: (looks at her character sheet) Total Damage is 6.

Jane: How did you…

Laura: Cool, I’m next right?

Jane: Is it dead? (Laura rolls her eyes at this)

Chris: You did good, dear.

Mark: I think I’m next.

GM: Rob’s next. Rob? (All look at Rob, who is intent on the video game). …Okay, so Rob’s character is taking a nap.

Chris: In the middle of a battle?

Mark: Apparently.

Laura: It’s a special kind of sleeping sickness.

GM: Yeah, so Mark you’re up next.

Mark: Mei Ling, My name is Mei Ling! (GM looks at his Viking Helmet for a moment, then continues obviously suppressing a question. Jane looks at the hat as well, she looks a little confused. Laura looks like she knows exactly what the hat is about and is bored to tears waiting for the others to get on with things.)

GM: Okay, Mei Ling, (takes breath and prepares to speak, pauses and lets it out without speaking, then tries again), so Mei Ling you’re up next.

Mark: Okay, so I kill the Ogre.

GM: You what?

Mark: I kill the Ogre.

GM You mean, you attack him? With your hand or with your nunchucku right?

Mark: Yeah whatever. I kill him.

(GM Just looks at him)

Mark: I tumble gracefully through his free attacks, and I kill him.

GM: Cool, that sounds like a plan. So, roll an attack dice.

Mark: Fuck Off!

GM: What? (Mild Disbelief. He clearly expects to hear it’s just a joke)

Mark: I kill him.

David: You’re not listening to Mei Ling, John. She killed the Ogre. What more do you want?

GM: Well?

Jane: He’s dead now, right? Did I help at all?

Mark: I got a like super big mega-badass magic nunchucks of Uber-Doom. It’s totally dead.

Laura: Uber Doom (Nodding).

Chris: That’s right. Those are amazing nunchucks. Mei Ling just looks at people and goes, Whacha!

Jane: Whacha!

Rob: The Ogre’s dead. (Concentration is on his video game)

GM Shut up Rob, you’re asleep. (Looks at Mark, as if to ask him again)

Mark: Fuck Off!

GM: But…

Laura: Can we get on with the game!?!

(Pause)

GM: Okay so David, you’re up next.

David: So, the Ogre is dead, right? (Laura says Duh! GM looks at him as if pleading for him not to ask that question.) That means I can pick up the magic orb without getting hit.

GM: You go over to the orb you mean?

David: No, I pick it up.

GM: Look, it’s 90’ away, and you’re still on your knees from the goblin incident. So, you’re going to have to...

David: Right, so I get up, and I walk over and I pick up the orb.

GM: But you had a sword in each hand.

David: They’re sheathed.

Laura: Duh!, (She continues) …he put them away like years ago.

GM: I didn’t hear that. When did you…

David: Okay, so I’m doing it now, all right. I stand up, I put the swords, away, and I walk over and I pick up the orb.

(Pause)

David: Yes, I pull up my pants.

(Awkward pause)

GM: Okay, that’s just an awful lot to do in one turn.

David: Have you seen my Dex?

GM: Okay, but that just means…

David: Okay, I totally can do all of that that in one turn.

GM: Okay fine, (sees a chance to get things back on track) so now you are going to need to roll a saving throw for the glowing green gas that begins to flow out of the alter as you pick up the orb. The gas…

David: What, you didn’t even roll for my detect traps thing.

GM: (Falling into a script) The gas smells faintly of lilacs in Spring, but you feel a strange scratchy sensation as you breathe…

David: Dude! Come on, you know I would have found it when I looked under the alter and checked for traps before picking it up.

GM You didn’t say you were going that.

Laura: Well duh!

Jane: (Real earnest and trying to show that she can reason her way through the game) Honestly John, I don’t think he would pick up the orb without checking for traps. I mean he has been playing this game longer than any of us. David wouldn’t have just picked up the orb without checking.

Chris: Yeah, show a little respect will you John? (Jane is pleased Chris backed her up, and they cuddle …Laura is disgusted but still focusing on the game.)

GM: But…

Mark: Dude, come on! (To GM)

GM: You’re looking for traps in addition to all those other things, all in this in just one turn?

Mark: I got mad feats!

(GM Looks to the others for support – Jane and Chris are busy making goo goo eyes at each other, Mark offers no help, and Laura just looks impatient for him to do as asked. Rob is busy at his computer.)

GM (Sigh!) Okay, I guess maybe you could have checked. So, like, you’ll need to roll a die 20.

David: Go to Hell!

(Awkward Pause)

Rob: (Concentrating on his computer, he yells at the screen) Boom! I got your curly gold hair, baby! (All are momentarily distracted and a little confused, some curiosity especially from David).

GM: (Giving up on David) Okay, so Laura…

Laura: Call me Bash-Heit Metablang.

GM: Laura…

Laura: Bash-Heit!

GM: (Pauses, then continues) Okay, um, Bash…

Laura: I kill the orcs.

GM: (Looks like he’s trying to form the courage to ask her a question)

Laura: Don’t even!

(The GM looks at her a moment, then looks like he’s about to make the necessary notes, looks at her again as if he needs to ask her a new question)

Laura: All of them. (Looking disgusted that she had to say it)

(Pause, then the GM makes the necessary notes).

David: So, I have the orb right? Is it cool? (looks at Rob, and taps some keys on his computer …the computer boots up)

GM: Yes, you have the orb. (David, looks at him as if questioning) (Sighs, then with resignation) It’s really cool!

All the players: Cool (most are smiling).

GM: All right, so the next thing to do is…

Chris: I’m next, right?

GM: Yes.

Chris: And there is nothing left between me and the evil dragon right?

GM: Well, it’s about 30’ away and there is a little rough terrain, but with your quickening boots, you could probably get there in time to take an attack.

Chris: I kill the dragon.

(GM sighs. Others celebrate. Guys 2 and 3 give each other high fives. Jane and Chris hug a little – and maybe rub their noses. Laura looks like she’s about to vomit in response to the affection. The GM is in disbelief.)

GM: Look that’s the Big Bad Evil Guy. He’s the culmination of the whole game. you can’t just kill it with one roll.

Chris: I have a really big sword. (Laura rolls her eyes at this)

(GM Looks exasperated)

Chris: I have a huge Holy Sword of Dragon-killing Death Vengeance, (A little too proud of his sword) don’t I sweetie (points at character sheet).

Jane: Well…

Chris: It’s a super mega-badass heroic kinda sword and it’s what I use to slay dragons.

Jane: Honey, it’s just a little +2 short sword. (Enjoying the chance to say that)

Chris: No, it’s not, it’s a great big holy sword, perfect for killing dragons.

Laura: Girlie Dragons, you mean?

Jane: It’s okay honey, you have a lovely sword (pats him on the leg). I’m sure all the dragons are very impressed.

Chris: (Looks tongue tied and frustrated, not so cuddly at the moment).

GM: (Either oblivious to the double entendre or just too focused on the game to care) Well it might be a Holy sword under most circumstances, and we all know it’s a special gift from the gods. (Laura spits coke at hearing this.) They gave it to you for just for this sort of thing...

Chris: Right!

GM: But ever since that time in the brothel and whole thing with that 10 year old child...

Chris: The Vampire!

GM: …the 10 year old child, who may or may not have been a vampire...

Chris: definitely a vampire!

GM …Look, the point is that lately you just haven’t been able to wield your sword properly. It’s supposed to be a great Holy Sword, but right now it’s just a +2 Short Sword. (Jane nods and restrains her laughter, Laura smirks, GM is oblivious, as is David now who is now working earnestly at something on his laptop).

Rob: Dude, is that you?

David: Yep, I’m on man!

Rob: Awesome!

GM: (Really exasperated and trying to ignore the computer gamers) So, the point is you never got it straight with the priests, and now your sword doesn’t have its full power.

Chris: Okay, so you’re saying my sword actually shrunk? (Jane is almost dying with laughter here. Laura is very amused. Chris and the GM are oblivious, and the others are beginning to look more at the video game.)

GM: Well the magic just isn’t that impressive right now.

Chris: Bullshit! It’s a Holy Sword, I impale the dragon with it…

Laura: (still laughing) …and it dies!

Mark: Awesome, this is going to be worth so many experience points.

GM: Look, it’s not just another orc…

Chris: Yeah, I know it’s the BBEG, I killed the BBEG. That’s got to be enough to get me right with my gods again, so the sword works now right?

GM: (Pause), Well…

Jane: Honey, what’s a BBEG?

All but the GM and Rob: Big Bad Evil Guy!

Mark: (Continues the answer) that’s what your sweetheart just killed with his holy sword. Thank the gods it works now.

GM: I didn’t say it works now.

Chris: You don’t need to. The Dragon is dead, so we know it works.

Laura: Duh!

GM: That’s just not how it works.

Chris: (Deadpan) Dead Dragon.

GM: (Sigh!) Okay, so the dragon, at least gets off one fiery blast with its dying breath.

Mark: Huh?

GM: (Holds up his hands to shut the others up, then explains slowly, as if he memorised this) When struck in its vital spot, the great wyrm draws up and gasps in pain. It pauses briefly and then lets loose with a final blast of unholy flame as it exhales the last breath it will ever take.

Laura: That is SO cool. (All except Rob pause to take in the significance of the narrative).

David: (Shrugs shoulders): Okay, that sounds good.

Mark: Yeah.

Chris: Good campaign flavour, man, (with emphasis) Good flavour.

GM: Thank you. Okay guys, so you’ll all need to roll saving throws:

ALL: Fuck Off!

Laura: What is wrong with you John!?!

GM: (Sighs, Lowers his head to his hands. There is a general pause)

Rob: (Intent on his computer, but saying to David) Dude! You can’t do it like that. You have to hit them before they get up on you.

David: I’m trying, but the button on this thing doesn’t work so well.

Rob: Go! Go! Go! Go! YEAH!

David: Oh Yeah! (Chris and Mark are beginning to take an interest in this)

Jane: (looking at the 4 sided dice) Oh I get it; you read the one on the bottom.

Chris: Or the top (handing her a different 4 sided dice).

Laura: Rob, are you on a new level?

Rob: Totally. You wouldn’t believe the graphics they got for this one creature here. (Mark goes to look over his shoulder at the computer screen).

GM: I don’t believe this.

Mark: Those are the breaks, dude. You can’t fault a man for knowing how to play the game.

Chris: Sometimes you just gotta rise to the challenge.

David: Way to slay ‘em man.

GM: and no-one is going to roll a saving throw?

Laura: (Looks at him in disgust.)

Jane: Do I roll this one? (holds out the 4 sided dice).

Chris: (Getting up from the table, and taking the dice away to put it in his bag.) No, honey. It’s all over, you did real good. (Begins to look a little at the laptop.)

GM: It’s a really big dragon. (As if pleading his case for a longer more challenging game)
(In response Laura and Jane Smile at Chris as if congratulating him. David gives him a high 5 without looking away from his computer.)

Chris: I’m gonna log-on upstairs, Don’t kill me when I enter the room. (Rob and David both nod and/or say yeah good) John can you email me the experience and treasure? (He exits). (Mark is now completely engrossed in watching the game that Rob is playing and pointing at the screen. Jane is totally lost in thought as she toys around with another dice. The GM looks at his stuff. He has planned so much more. When he looks up the only person left paying attention to him is Laura.

…She gives him a sarcastic shrug, as if saying “What”!?!)