I think it’s a pronunciation difference. In the US it’s pronounced with a clearer V in Vark, compared to the British which is more of a Wark. Closer to Park than Work.
I think it’s a pronunciation difference. In the US it’s pronounced with a clearer V in Vark, compared to the British which is more of a Wark. Closer to Park than Work.
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"We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both." ~ Louis D. Brandeis
"Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are." ~ S. Gecko
A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of the many trees and peering over the wall, is shocked to see a fire-filled field with people writhing in agony and screaming hopelessly. He is very disturbed by this sight and returns home. The next day, the Devil pays him a visit and asks how he is enjoying eternity. The atheist says he finds Hell to be a lovely place but is concerned about the things he saw on the other side of the wall. “Oh” the Devil says, “those are Christian sinners.” “But why” the man asks, “are they suffering so much while I, who didn’t believe in God at all, am here in such comfort?” “I don’t know” the Devil replies shrugging," that’s the way they want it."
I was hoping that was going to end up funny. Goddamn atheist never actually come up with funny jokes. OH don't get me wrong, it's satire, it's funny in a way, but it doesn't have a punch line.
Which is just a terrible joke. I know even worse ones, but they are all about delivery, timing, voice and body language, they do not translate to a post box. And especially not to a hostile crowd.
This joke is really old. I probably already posted it in this thread even, but it's one of my favorites.
A pious man was hiking in the woods when he was set upon by a hungry bear. The man, with no hope of overpowering or outrunning the bear, dropped to his knees and began desperately praying. "Dear Lord, please let this bear find religion!"
The bear stopped charging immediately and fell to its knees in front of the man.
"Dear Lord, I thank you for this bounty I am about to receive..."
It's fun to tell this one to God-fearing people because it seems like maybe it's going to be rude (especially coming from me) but then it ends up sweet.
A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "You're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know" she says, "and I'm gonna get tits too you dirty creep"
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"Have no respect whatsoever for authority; forget who said it and instead look what he starts with, where he ends up, and ask yourself, "Is it reasonable?""
- Richard P. Feynman
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Isaac Asimov's Treasury of Humor, published in 1971, contains 640 jokes. This is no. 1:
Quote:
Jones was having his first date with Miss Smith and was utterly captivated by her. She was beautiful, and intelligent as well, and as dinner proceeded, he was further impressed by her faultless taste.
As he hesitated over the after-dinner drink, she intervened to say, "Oh, let's have sherry rather than brandy by all means. When I sip sherry, it seems to me that I am transported from the everyday scenes by which I may, at that moment, be surrrounded. The flavor, the aroma, bring to mind irresistibly--for what reason I know not--a kind of faerie bit of nature: a hilly field bathed in soft sunshine, a clump of trees in the middle distance, a small brook curving across the scene, nearly at my feet. This, together with the fancied drowsy sound of insects and distant lowing of cattle, brings to my mind a kind of warmth, peace, and serenity, a sort of dovetailing of the world into a beautifuly entirety. Brandy, on the other hand, makes me burp."
"Oh, poor Mr. Jones," mourned Mrs. Smith. "Did you hear what happened to him? He tripped at the top of the stairs, fell down the whole flight, banged his head, and died."
"Died?" said Mrs. Robinson, shocked.
"Died!" repeated Mrs. Smith with emphasis. "Broke his glasses, too."
For thirty years , Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and he was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
A condemned spy was being led out at dawn to the wall against which he was to be shot at sunrise. It was raining with ferocious intensity. On either side of him was a line of soldiers and to one of them the condemned spy said bitterly, "What beasts you all are to march me to be shot in a rain like this."
And the soldier replied with equal bitterness, "What are you complaining about? We've got to march back."
Re: Somebody Tell A Joke
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