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  #601  
Old 05-12-2022, 10:59 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I think it’s a pronunciation difference. In the US it’s pronounced with a clearer V in Vark, compared to the British which is more of a Wark. Closer to Park than Work.

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  #602  
Old 05-13-2022, 04:38 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Another one that only works with a British accent (courtesy of my British AP physics teacher):

Where does an apple come from?
An apple tree.
Where does a pear come from?
A pear tree.
Where does lava come from?
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  #603  
Old 05-13-2022, 01:33 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ari View Post
I think itís a pronunciation difference. In the US itís pronounced with a clearer V in Vark, compared to the British which is more of a Wark. Closer to Park than Work.

aardvark - pronunciation (American, British, Australian, Welsh) - YouTube
All of those are wrong since it's originally an Afrikaans word. And is of course pronounced "aardvark".

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  #604  
Old 05-13-2022, 03:00 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

art fart?
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  #605  
Old 06-26-2022, 07:24 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

The Duck Joke, as told by the late, great Buddy Hackett.

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  #606  
Old 10-08-2022, 11:56 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What did one tampon say to the other?
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  #607  
Old 10-08-2022, 11:57 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Nothing



They were both stuck up bitches
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  #608  
Old 10-21-2022, 08:00 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of the many trees and peering over the wall, is shocked to see a fire-filled field with people writhing in agony and screaming hopelessly. He is very disturbed by this sight and returns home. The next day, the Devil pays him a visit and asks how he is enjoying eternity. The atheist says he finds Hell to be a lovely place but is concerned about the things he saw on the other side of the wall. “Oh” the Devil says, “those are Christian sinners.” “But why” the man asks, “are they suffering so much while I, who didn’t believe in God at all, am here in such comfort?” “I don’t know” the Devil replies shrugging," that’s the way they want it."
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  #609  
Old 10-21-2022, 01:55 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I was hoping that was going to end up funny. Goddamn atheist never actually come up with funny jokes. OH don't get me wrong, it's satire, it's funny in a way, but it doesn't have a punch line.
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  #610  
Old 10-21-2022, 02:01 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by livius drusus View Post
I can never remember jokes so obviously I can't tell them. Y'all cough up, and see that they don't suck. :whup:
I was so annoyed by the last attempt I checked page 1001 of post history and found a mabus thread.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ymir's blood View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by davidmabus2006 View Post
what I will show you next will drive you completely insane and you will never recover...


do you want to see it?
:lookporn:
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  #611  
Old 10-21-2022, 02:05 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

And I am all like, what the fuck? Mabus invaded this forum and I didn't even know it?

Or did I just forget? In an case, it reminded me of an old joke.

*Ahem*

A man took his ailing wife to the Doc, who eventually presented the man with two diagnosis. "She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS".

What does that mean Doc?

"Well, drive here a mile from home and drop her off. If she shows up, don't have sex with her"
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  #612  
Old 10-21-2022, 02:06 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Which is just a terrible joke. I know even worse ones, but they are all about delivery, timing, voice and body language, they do not translate to a post box. And especially not to a hostile crowd.

Speaking of, that reminds me of a joke ...
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  #613  
Old 10-21-2022, 06:08 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by -FX- View Post
Goddamn atheist never actually come up with funny jokes.
George Carlin would like a word.
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  #614  
Old 10-21-2022, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Just post one of his jokes
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  #615  
Old 10-25-2022, 09:39 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste, mostly.
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  #616  
Old 11-01-2022, 07:43 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A dwarven psychic recently robbed a bank and got away with the money.

The police are now on the lookout for a small medium at large.
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  #617  
Old 01-05-2023, 02:01 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

This joke is really old. I probably already posted it in this thread even, but it's one of my favorites.

A pious man was hiking in the woods when he was set upon by a hungry bear. The man, with no hope of overpowering or outrunning the bear, dropped to his knees and began desperately praying. "Dear Lord, please let this bear find religion!" :praying:

The bear stopped charging immediately and fell to its knees in front of the man.

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  #618  
Old 01-05-2023, 03:04 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Why are pirates pirates?
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  #619  
Old 01-05-2023, 09:06 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says: "You're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know" she says, "and I'm gonna get tits too you dirty creep"
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  #620  
Old 01-11-2023, 09:18 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

I laughed harder at this than I should have.
The ďfuck it, next!Ē Brainteaser.

(not to mention itís not even a good brain teaser, I love how quickly it ruins itself).
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  #621  
Old 01-16-2023, 07:23 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Isaac Asimov's Treasury of Humor, published in 1971, contains 640 jokes. This is no. 1:
Quote:
Jones was having his first date with Miss Smith and was utterly captivated by her. She was beautiful, and intelligent as well, and as dinner proceeded, he was further impressed by her faultless taste.

As he hesitated over the after-dinner drink, she intervened to say, "Oh, let's have sherry rather than brandy by all means. When I sip sherry, it seems to me that I am transported from the everyday scenes by which I may, at that moment, be surrrounded. The flavor, the aroma, bring to mind irresistibly--for what reason I know not--a kind of faerie bit of nature: a hilly field bathed in soft sunshine, a clump of trees in the middle distance, a small brook curving across the scene, nearly at my feet. This, together with the fancied drowsy sound of insects and distant lowing of cattle, brings to my mind a kind of warmth, peace, and serenity, a sort of dovetailing of the world into a beautifuly entirety. Brandy, on the other hand, makes me burp."
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  #622  
Old 01-17-2023, 01:43 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Isaac Asimov's Treasury of Humor, joke no. 2:
Quote:
"Oh, poor Mr. Jones," mourned Mrs. Smith. "Did you hear what happened to him? He tripped at the top of the stairs, fell down the whole flight, banged his head, and died."

"Died?" said Mrs. Robinson, shocked.

"Died!" repeated Mrs. Smith with emphasis. "Broke his glasses, too."
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  #623  
Old 01-17-2023, 01:43 PM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Wasn't so funny anyone needs to read it twice.
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  #624  
Old 01-18-2023, 04:12 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Isaac Asimov joke no. 3:
Quote:
For thirty years , Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and he was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
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  #625  
Old 01-19-2023, 02:39 AM
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Default Re: Somebody Tell A Joke

Isaac Asimov joke no. 4:
Quote:
A condemned spy was being led out at dawn to the wall against which he was to be shot at sunrise. It was raining with ferocious intensity. On either side of him was a line of soldiers and to one of them the condemned spy said bitterly, "What beasts you all are to march me to be shot in a rain like this."

And the soldier replied with equal bitterness, "What are you complaining about? We've got to march back."
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