Seen any crappy movies?

[Gonzo]

I hate Lord of the Rings.

[Ensign Steve]

You and me both, brother.

[Ymir's blood]

I would say that you're dead to me, but that might seem like a come on.

[Kael]

I used to have a lot of nerdrage about the LotR movies, but I've learned to just enjoy them as movies and pretend they have nothing to do with some famous books that have eerily similar titles.

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

I like the movies but struggle to read the books.

[Doctor X]

Originally Posted by Kael

I used to have a lot of nerdrage about the LotR movies, but I've learned to just enjoy them as movies and pretend they have nothing to do with some famous books that have eerily similar titles.

Yes, not having a wandering gay ultimately useless god figure really ruined it. . . .




. . . not that there is anything wrong with that.

--J.d.

[chunksmediocrites]

Originally Posted by Qingdai

I did mention "Twilight" in the last movie thread. If this thread had existed, I certainly would have posted it here.
Also "Orgazmo."

Hey! Orgazmo was awesome

The Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
Well some truth in advertising, there were 4 of them.

Also Jessica Abel looks like Barbie as a blond. Disturbing.

OMG the writers should be beaten!

The flimsy inter-personal character dilemmas take up a lion's share of the movie. I don't care that Reed loves science and is a lying cold fish to his fiance. I don't care that The Human Torch is shallow and a bad planner; I also don't care about the sub-plot of Johnny's power impotence, and the zany switching-powers hijinx. I don't care that the Invisible Woman wants Reed to prioritize and to get married. I don't care that their notoriety makes it hard to have a private life. None of these elements give the characters more dimension, or adds to a movie. It is straight filler, or at best shit that was more than adequately covered in the first F4 movie, also a stinkbomb.

The Thing's discomfort in being monstrous is worth exploring as a side plot, but I can read Concrete for that. Too bad when it is addressed in F4:RSS, it is for mild comic relief or interplay between Thing and Johhny.

But even when they pull the plot away from the boring contrived personal character dilemmas, the numerous cliches and hackneyed shit of the Silver Surfer plot was painful.

General: How long before you can build the weapon that will separate the Silver Surfer from his board?
Reed: three hours.
Fast forward to the characters in the Black Forest, setting up the weapons, which include motorized feet that at the press of a button unfold from under the equipment box when the team gets ready to set each of them down. Wait a minute. Reed didn't have some fucking kickstands, or some legs you just unfold? He spent what- an hour installing a set of motorized legs for boxes that just sit on the ground?

The General fires a missile at the Silver Surfer, and his board simply absorbs it.
General: Fire everything!
Really? Not, for example, "stop firing because that shit is ineffective"?

General: I'm the quarterback here. You do what I say.
Reed: Long exposition on how this isn't high school, where they were nerds and the General was cool, now we're the cool kids and you do what I say.
Holy fucking shit. Please tell me somewhere there is a writer who punches him or herself in the face every time they recall writing that. What the fuck, Breakfast Club/ Revenge of the Nerds retrospective for morons? Nerds-are-cool-now riffs? The world will be destroyed in eight days or less by a virtually unstoppable force, so I thought I would take this moment to outline the jocks-vs-nerds tribal smackdown of lame?

The General brings in a sinister torturer to work on the captured Silver Surfer. Who starts injecting the alien with drugs. Really? Alien physiology, let's see what happens?

The Silver Surfer wants to show Sue what happens to planets that Galactus visits, so he makes his stomach into a view-screen. Wait, what? Separated from your board you can make your stomach into a view screen, but you can be bound with a restraint harness? How often does having a view-screen stomach come in handy, exactly?

Qingdai is right about Jessica Alba's blonde hair- it looks seriously fucked up with her coloration and is a distraction.

I also am no Freudian, but WTF with all the impotence/ phallic power? Johnny Blaze: impotence through loss of power, through not being included in Reed/ Invisible Woman's plans, etc. Silver Surfer: phallic power. Riding a phallus, he is creating GIANT ORIFICES in Earth for Galactus who is coming to fuck our world to the core. Reed scientifically impotent with Sue's marriage demands (Me or science) and constraints. The Thing impotent because his dick is a rock.

Also every cliche machine and computer stupidity. Big machines with blinky rotating things. Which might make sense if it was a paean to Jack Kirby or something, but it looks like the design team stepped out of an 1980's B-movie. The computers all showing dumb-ass graphics and saying dumb things in big letters. Is Reed in the second grade? Or is he just using a Colecovision console attached to a flat-screen monitor?

A special note to Dr. Doom: I am so sorry. You were actually a pretty kick-ass villain by all accounts- smart, wicked, tenacious, powerful. Masterful in your plans. Could they neuter you any more than they did to put you in this movie, where they decided to dumb down a comic book to make a movie plot? Usually the villain is at least entertaining, gets to be dastardly, gets the good lines- none for you. Every action painfully foreshadowed and telegraphed. Every line a dud. In this you mostly get to be snarky and occasionally violent and power-hungry.

Rant ovah

[Dingfod]

Dr. Doom is even worse in the cartoon series Superhero Squad.

[BrotherMan]

I give the Superhero Squad stuff a pass. It's cute and brightly colored and not meant to convey complicated characters with any depth or meaning.

[Ari]

It wasn't recent but I saw "Journey to the Center of the Earth In Super mega 3D smell-o-Vision" in 2D mode on my TV. By 'saw' I mean watched about 10 minutes of it and turned it off to better enjoy my time. The neutral feeling of throwing a small rubber ball a few inches in the air repeatedly would be a step up from feeling like you want to drill your brain out with a hacksaw. The actors may have been actual cardboard cut outs and the "poke something towards the viewer" gag failed the first time in 2D, let alone the 15th time they do it to you.

As a fan of the 1959 movie with "James Mason" (Whenever read aloud you must announce his name as if announcing a God and Eddie Izzard due act) I was hopeful but disappointed.

[Deadlokd]

Land of the Lost was so excruciatingly worse. Worse storyline, worse script and Will Ferrell just to cap the crapness off.

[Ari]

Unlike Journey to the Center of the earth, Land of the Lost didn't trick me and I stayed as far away as I could from it.

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by Ari

"James Mason" (Whenever read aloud you must announce his name as if announcing a God

That reminds me. I need to watch North By Northwest again.

[Doctor X]

The Verdict is an underrated film with Paul Newman and James Mason. I wish I could remember the critic who gleefully proclaimed him "the Prince of Darkness" in the film.

Anesthesiologist: She aspirated vomitus in her mask.

Mason: to Law Firm Slaves watching "She aspirated vomitus in her mask!" Pause . . . turns to Anesthesiologist Cut the bullshit, she THREW UP IN HER MASK!

Hell, it had That Guy from Barbarella Who Inspired a Hair Spray Band but was Not Ugo Tognazzi. . . .

--J.D.

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by BrotherMan

I give the Superhero Squad stuff a pass. It's cute and brightly colored and not meant to convey complicated characters with any depth or meaning.

You should have seen the episode where Thor's "family" paid a visit. It was epic, even included Ice Giants.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by chunksmediocrites

Hey! Orgazmo was awesome

Indeed.

Why do you hate fun, Qingdai? What is it about joy that causes your shrivleed heart to reject it?

The same goes to Doc X. Only an irrational hatred of all things good and decent could lead someone to dislike Tommy Boy.

[Sock Puppet]

Okay, so it wasn't the movie, which still slouches toward the box office to be born, but I saw the trailer for Marmaduke. Sweet flaming mother of fuck, I'm already traumatized. And since the Li'l Puppet is crazy for dogs, she'll beg to see the damned thing. My only hope is to go back in time and kill the director and producer before they have a chance to conceive of this abomination. It's for the good of humanity.

Oh, and bonus suck points for using one of my most hated overplayed shitsong nemeses for the trailer. So, we meet again, "What I Like About You." You may continue to gloat over the suffering you have caused me. But someday, somehow, I will destroy you.

[Adam]

You know the worst thing about Marmaduke? I'm over here nerdraging about the movie not staying true to the source material, and I don't even give a fuck about the source material.

[ProudLuddite]

Armoured (about an "inside job' armoured car heist).
I kept thinking as I watched it, well, I've invested this much time in it... it's must get better at some point. And then it was finally over and I wondered why I'd spent my time watching the whole thing...
I hate those kind of movies!

[Qingdai]

The kind of movie where you not only want a refund, but the two hours of your life back.

[erimir]

Originally Posted by Adam

You know the worst thing about Marmaduke? I'm over here nerdraging about the movie not staying true to the source material, and I don't even give a fuck about the source material.

What's the nerdrage about?

The fact that Marmaduke talks? Although it seems like the dogs only understand each other, which doesn't really make it much better.

Looks kinda like Look Who's Talking Now, except also sucky.

[Doctor X]

Hell, Clerks II.

Smith has not made a good movie since Clerks I. Oh . . . he has entertained, he has well-cast--he has even been funny--rather enjoyed the short cartoon series, actually--but he has not made good films. You have to make excuses for them.

Clerks II was an abomination.

There was, to my recollection, one good scene. It did not last long and no one was violated by a farm animal. Other than that it was a lamentably forgettable to irritating film.

--J.D.

[Sock Puppet]

Originally Posted by erimir

What's the nerdrage about?

The fact that Marmaduke talks? Although it seems like the dogs only understand each other, which doesn't really make it much better.

Looks kinda like Look Who's Talking Now, except also sucky.

Well, that and the fact that the owner doesn't look like Hitler.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by erimir

What's the nerdrage about?

The fact that Marmaduke talks? Although it seems like the dogs only understand each other, which doesn't really make it much better.

Looks kinda like Look Who's Talking Now, except also sucky.

Exactly.

[Stormlight]

Oh dear lord!