New And Improved Rant Thread, now with 50% more profanity!

[Adam]

Sometimes I really hate working in a large IT organization. I have a production server that needs a hard reboot. I have spent the last 2 hours watching four different I&O teams try to figure out whose responsibility it is to walk the fuck into the data center and push that fucking button.

[Adam]

Also, I just used the phrase "happy path" in conversation. Shoot me, please?

[Adam]

Ah, finally, they figured out who is supposed to help me. It's the person who doesn't actually know which button to press to turn off a computer.

[Sock Puppet]

I'm sure you can walk them through it! What could possibly go wrong?

[Ymir's blood]

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

I understand space is limited, so I can get over the fact that you decided to lay down and take a nap in my overly-large personal bubble. But I can hear your snoring over my iPod and your breath smells like you had a dirty diaper for lunch. I'm trying to fucking eat here. If you keep it up, I'm going to start flicking boogers in your mouth, whoever the fuck you are.

Seriously, what kind of sociopath is comfortable enough to just do that in a room full of strangers?

My first thought was you were talking about one of your pets.

[curses]

or bey.

[Angakuk]

Same thing.

[Qingdai]

The homeless? They're really, really tired.

[JoeP]

Originally Posted by Adam

Sometimes I really hate working in a large IT organization. I have a production server that needs a hard reboot. I have spent the last 2 hours watching four different I&O teams try to figure out whose responsibility it is to walk the fuck into the data center and push that fucking button.

Does that mean you already got through the discussion of who has to approve the reboot?

Card might be affected - get A, B and C to sign off ...
Online banking might be affected if batch export GHF is delayed - get D & E to sign off ...
Printing might be affected - get IBM, HP, T-Systems and Tata to sign off ...
Wait - this server hasn't been rebooted for over a year, do we know if it will reboot OK? Get hardware engineers, OS experts and - why not - a whole spare server on site just in case ...
Better get Risk and Internal Audit to sign off too ...

[Dingfod]

Originally Posted by Ensign Steve

I understand space is limited, so I can get over the fact that you decided to lay down and take a nap in my overly-large personal bubble. But I can hear your snoring over my iPod and your breath smells like you had a dirty diaper for lunch. I'm trying to fucking eat here. If you keep it up, I'm going to start flicking boogers in your mouth, whoever the fuck you are.

Seriously, what kind of sociopath is comfortable enough to just do that in a room full of strangers?

Narc O'Leptic.

[Ensign Steve]

Originally Posted by Qingdai

The homeless? They're really, really tired.

Close. Undergrad. You can tell the difference because the homeless smell better.

[Vivisectus]

Originally Posted by Adam

Sometimes I really hate working in a large IT organization. I have a production server that needs a hard reboot. I have spent the last 2 hours watching four different I&O teams try to figure out whose responsibility it is to walk the fuck into the data center and push that fucking button.

Ah yes, they are searching for the answer that is always the most important in any large corporation. Not "Does it work" or "Will it solve the problem". The most important question is always "Who do we blame when it goes wrong!".

[Vivisectus]

Oh and while we are on the subject, you sniveling little sales muppet oiling around the sales directors with your little shiny faux-crocodile shoes, your offensive cologne and your pathetic-looking blackberry-holster, the next time you want to go mewling to the sales directors about how the distribution network is responsible for your multi-million forecast fail, you better come prepared because I will fucking wipe the floor with you again, and unlike you I am pretty damn good at my job and I keep pretty detailed records about who forecasts what and when, and the next time I will not only highlight this particular example of your utter incompetence, but all of your fuckups I helped salvage in the past 6 months as well. The reason no-one orders what you forecast, you virulent pustule on the rim of Beelzebubs arsehole, is because 75% of it never fucking happens.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by JoeP

Does that mean you already got through the discussion of who has to approve the reboot?

Card might be affected - get A, B and C to sign off ...
Online banking might be affected if batch export GHF is delayed - get D & E to sign off ...
Printing might be affected - get IBM, HP, T-Systems and Tata to sign off ...
Wait - this server hasn't been rebooted for over a year, do we know if it will reboot OK? Get hardware engineers, OS experts and - why not - a whole spare server on site just in case ...
Better get Risk and Internal Audit to sign off too ...

I am the person who approves the reboot! I approved it!

[JoeP]

Everyone, it was ADAM

[Angakuk]

Rain gutters
Two-story houses
Pine needles
Extremely heavy 30' fiberglass extension ladders


My wife bought me an iRobot Looj Gutter Cleaning Robot as an anniversary present. I am now obligated to actually use it to clean the gutters on my two-story house. The device is actually pretty nifty and would probably work just fine on less heavily clogged gutters. It was, however, totally not up to the task of handling a three year accumulation of pine needles. I am sore, tired and dirty and I still have the south side of the house to do. Fortunately, for my physical well-being and my mental health, the battery ran down and I had to quit cleaning gutters to let it recharge.

Hopefully it will work better in the future. If I avoid letting the debris accumulate for three years before cleaning the gutters. The ladder, however, will still be too damn heavy. I never had this sort of problem when I lived in Southern California and Arizona. We didn't need no stinking gutters there.

My apologies for the dearth of swear words. Please feel free to add your own.

[vremya]

Stupid cold. It's gone from a runny nose to a sore throat and now I'm coughing up gunk. I'm not sure I'm actually feeling better, but I'm definitely feeling different.

[freemonkey]

Rantee #1: You are in your late 60's, have a Hotmail account and an AOL account and are using a PC with an Apple sticker on the cover.... stop using phrases like "my peeps" and thinking you are a social media expert because you have the Facebook. Also, Google is your friend when you want to know how to do something. Dipshit.


Rantee #2: Look, I know you're trying to take some pressure off me (and save yourself some money), and you're helping someone else by having her work on this new project for you. BUT you should know that it's NOT FUCKING HELPING ME when she calls me and talks my ear off for a fucking hour. I don't give a shit about whether she should buy Photoshop Elements or full Photoshop, or Paintshop Pro or whatthefuckever.

I also don't care about her nieces in high school (and their giggly friends) who would be happy to tag along with me to pose in the the photos you guys think I should go FUCKING RE-shoot because NOW you think the pics I already took don't show proper scale and she thinks having attractive people in them will make them that much more awesome.

Here's the thing... I am expected to spend time dealing with her? Trying to communicate with the both of you? Researching the elements of this project that she doesn't understand because really, you guys just thought this would be a fun thing to do? Reformatting every fucking photograph "just in case"? And then you ask her to ask me to put all the images I took on a disk for you, including RAW files (like you would even know what to do with those)?

I'll get back to you with my new rates.

[lisarea]

Originally Posted by freemonkey

Rantee #1: You are in your late 60's, have a Hotmail account and an AOL account and are using a PC with an Apple sticker on the cover.... stop using phrases like "my peeps" and thinking you are a social media expert because you have the Facebook. Also, Google is your friend when you want to know how to do something. Dipshit.

I AM ONLY FORTY-SEVEN.

[freemonkey]

OH! I almost forgot! Rantee #3: I know that you're often late for our appointments, and I don't usually get mad when it's just a few minutes because traffic and all. I get it. I do get more pissed when you're more like 20 minutes late, or when you don't show up at all and forget to call me. Mostly because you're also my friend and an otherwise good customer. But this last one really takes the fucking cake.

Instead of you coming to me this time, I agreed to come to you, to help you set up & learn to use your new computer. As I was walking out my door, you called to tell me you had to run out to pick something up from the store but it was right down the street, and you'd most likely beat me to your house (a good 20 minute drive for me). OK, no problem. Except you didn't beat me there. In fact, you were more than half an hour late. WTF?

You were going to make lunch, something light, a salad, you promised, since I had plans to get pizza later with my husband. But you got stuff for sandwiches instead... BIG honkin' sandwiches with ham and ciabatta bread and cheese. And potato chips. And it took another hour just to make the sandwiches and eat them, what with all the interruptions and shit.

While we're having our lunch, you tell me about the guy coming over in awhile because he's helping you get set up with all the social media stuff and he really wants to meet me. Helloooo, Rantee #1 from above. We barely sit down and turn on your computer when he shows up and you have to go make him a sammich.

He's eating and we can get you set up when your other friend shows up for a sammich.

I love that you have so many friends and are so sociable, and I know you're not trying to be rude, but you were, because you just wasted several hours of my time, and then some, because you didn't learn Jack shit about your fucking computer today.

[Adam]

"I don't know" means "I don't know". It does not mean "I don't know, but if you'd like to stand in my cube and look over my shoulder for a bit, I'd be happy to do the research for you."

[vremya]

Fuck. I got bills coming out of my ears.

[SR71]

I have ears coming out of my bills.

[JoeP]

My bills come out of other people's arses

[Doctor X]

I bill for other people's fucks. . . .




Extra to fuck them in the ear . . . even more to fuck Bill in the ear.

--J.D.