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  #726  
Old 07-04-2020, 04:33 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Chronic(what?) cles of Riddick.

So I wasted a good part of the other day binge-watching Vin Diesel's sci-fi series of the exploits of a mercenary with glowing night-vision eyes. After a halfway decent start with the Alien-esque Pitch Black, the anime slash Aeon Flux inspired Dark Fury, and a return to form and the formula of the first movie for the most recent installment, Riddick, this movie was just a big fat shitpile of dumb. The dialogue was inane even for a Vin Diesel movie. The main bad guys -- "necromongers" -- were uninteresting despite their cool name and were totally invincible except when they weren't because, Riddick. The prison planet Riddick was taken to so he could spring Jack, the girl from the previous two installments who was not even the same girl, (probably the first actress who played Jack read the script and said "WTF is this shit?!"), made no fucking sense -- that's the prison AND the planet. Neither one made any sense. And not even Carl Urban or Judi Dench were able to make their useless characters even slightly interesting. Riddle me this -- how can an air elemental who can vaporize at will be held in chains? How the fuck how???

Actually never mind because no one cares

Recommendation: just skip this one. The other Riddick movies will make about as much sense as they would anyway without it.
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  #727  
Old 07-25-2020, 08:19 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Burning (1981)

Do you like Friday the 13th ripoffs? You'd be in luck with this one. It's an average slasher movie with one amusing scene that kind of makes it worth watching, if you're into teens being murdered on a raft.

There are a few actors that makes it more interesting. This is Holly Hunter's first film role, as a background camper. Jason Alexander is the camp wiseass, and Fisher Stevens is one of his gangly teen friends. That was weird to see.
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  #728  
Old 09-15-2020, 01:50 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Babysitter/The Babysitter: Killer Queen on Netflix
Both are horror comedies directed by McG, so set your expectations accordingly.

In the first movie, Cole (Judah Lewis) is a scared, nerdy loser getting bullied in and out of middle school. Bee (Samara Weaving) is Cole's fun, hot babysitter, who seems to really like him even for his weirdness. His parents go away for a weekend, and leave the two together.

Cole really wants to see what Bee does after he goes to bed, so he skips the nightcap she gives him and sneaks out of his room - only to see Bee and some friends ritually kill someone. When they come up to his room to collect the "blood of the innocent," Bee catches him awake and then the fun begins.

This is campy trash that I enjoyed. Weaving and Lewis have a real chemistry in the first act that give the 2nd act turn more feeling even when you know it's coming. The humor is mostly in the gory semi-accidental deaths, but the highlight for me was a shirtless Robbie Amell playing high school jock who alternates between hunting Cole and acting like a mentor - like he can't get away from the indoctrination of all his athletic coaching.

It mostly plays out as you expect, but it was funny enough. The sequel is pretty much more of the same, only there were a few poor choices. Sure, Amell returns and has the same shtick, and it works. The deaths work, too. Cole is still outgunned by the evil cult, so he mostly survives by a bit of intelligence and luck. The weaker comedy aspects are given more time, probably to pad the length. Each of the original cult members are given a scene of backstory, entirely played for comedy. Only one amused me, and it was an incongruously shirtless Amell again.

Also, there's a lot of slut-shaming "jokes" against one character, and a few more jokes at the expense of women then I'm happy with. The sequel sometimes goes from trashy fun to trashy in a way I specifically didn't like.

So watch The Babysitter if you think you might enjoy it. I don't recommend the sequel, but if you enjoyed the humor in the first enough, you'll get more of the same.
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  #729  
Old 09-17-2020, 04:42 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Mikey (1992)

A no-frills thriller about serial killer obsessed with a woman, only this time the serial killer is a 9 year old boy.

This movie pulls no punches right up front. Mikey takes out his first adoptive family in the first few minutes, including his preschool aged sister. He covers it up well enough to fool the psychiatrists, and soon he's off to another set of clueless adoptive parents.

Mikey is doing OK until he meets the neighbor's daughter (pre-Melrose Place Josie Bissett). His obsession with her starts, and soon Mikey is murdering again.

This cast is full of "that person" actors, Mikey is Worf's son, the neighbor's son is The Dream Child, a school counselor is Ferris' dad, the teacher is Kirsty from Hellraiser, the detective who suspects Mikey is Suicide from Return of the Living Dead. I spent more time wondering where I'd seen these actors before than worrying about this silly plot.

For how terrible this movie is, it is probably the wildest "killer kid" movie I've seen. I liked it way more than I should.
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  #730  
Old 09-30-2020, 09:09 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Hell House LLC

It's a found footage horror movie, so by definition, it's pretty crappy. The movie is a fake documentary compiling the events around the Abbadon Hotel haunted house. The opening night goes very badly, and 15 people die.

Like in all of these types of movies, they have to figure out why someone would keep filming. The bulk of footage comes from an employee tasked with doing "behind the scenes" videos, and since it's a haunted house, weird stuff isn't necessarily going to make the camera operator run away. This is a pretty reasonable premise.

Lots of simple and effective scares, stuff like creepy clown mannequins showing up where they're not supposed to be. I liked it well enough.
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  #731  
Old 10-04-2020, 02:35 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Amityville 1992: It's About Time

A single father Jacob (Stephen Macht) recruits his ex Andrea (Shawn Weatherly) to watch her former step-children for a business trip. He comes back with a clock he's really excited about. Of course, it's from the Amityville house, and has a deeper history, too. Things go wrong immediately, and Andrea is stuck taking care of an injured Jacob and his two teens.

A bunch of weird stuff happens to each family member. Sometimes it's time related, and sometimes it's not. Soon Jacob seems to be slipping into a madness not related to his injuries, much like the patriarchs of the Amityville house.

I wouldn't be surprised if this story started as an entirely unrelated property and then the Amityville franchise was tacked onto it. I mean, does the clock need to be the icon of a 15th century French necromancer? Wasn't being from the house enough? Even if this was always intended to be an Amityville sequel, it weirdly gets a major detail wrong. Bad things don't happen at 3:15 AM, and this is a movie about Amityville and time!

The same lack of attention to detail mars this movie. It seems that as long as time is fluid, the script can have a complete lack of continuity. However, the lack of continuity means we can have all sorts of tense, weird scenes and not have to worry about how it affects the plot.

I enjoyed this one, but it's not good. It's super cheesy, pretty cheap looking and doesn't make a lot of sense. It does have couple of tense or strange scenes that reward the viewer, and I think it's trying to do something more than just be a cheap entry in a franchise. I don't think it succeeds.
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  #732  
Old 10-12-2020, 12:59 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Victor Crowley (2017)

I didn't know this was the 4th entry in the Hatchet series, set 10 years after the original. It doesn't really matter, as all you need to know is explained in the first few minutes.

This was something I put on to brush the dogs to, so I wasn't expecting much. I was expecting a not-too-complicated slasher movie with a paranormal-ish killer. In that respect, it was fine.

Only I hated it. The humor is the kind of edge-lord shit that should have died in the 90s. For example, the opening scene is a traditional slasher movie cold open. Two awkward lovers are sitting in a boat. The man starts to propose to the woman, and she gets so blubbery and teary that she can't even say yes. By the time she does, she has smeared all of her makeup and he's disgusted. Even so, they kiss to celebrate, a huge trail of slime extends between them. It's funny because she became emotional and disgusting! And then they get brutally murdered!

This is the level of humor. It's a shame, because every actor is working so hard to shine a turd I feel sorry for them. The writer is also the director, and there's a level of basic competence here that I wish he would have let other, more competent writers take a pass at his script.
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  #733  
Old 11-06-2020, 08:25 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

The Mortuary Collection

This is an OK horror anthology. Didn't love it, didn't hate it. Gets some points for Clancy Brown hamming it up.

Brown is the mortician in the creepy small town of Raven's End. He's visited by a young lady who asks about the "Help Wanted" sign. This eventually gets him to tell three stories of the people who died in Raven's End, and finally she tells her story.

The first story takes place in the most horrific room of any house - the bathroom. The second story is about a college student whose quest to get laid goes wrong. The third story is about a man taking care of his wife in a vegetative state, and what goes wrong when he reaches his breaking point. The fourth story is about a babysitter that gets in trouble with a recently escaped killer.

The 1st is short and pretty good. I really enjoyed the actress, Christine Kilmer, in this, she only has a few minutes to let us know who her character is, and she succeeds. The 2nd and 4th story have their moments, but I thought were pretty predictable. The third was weird and a bit macabre, but suffered from the fact that the protagonist of the story made the dumbest decisions.

I liked the style of this, all the stories take place in some undefined era in the latter half of the 1900s, but it's not exactly clear, and there are a quite few anachronisms. But, it was just OK overall.
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  #734  
Old 11-26-2020, 04:54 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Porno (2019)

Set in the early 90s, a movie theater run by a Christians - a pious owner, a straight-edge college dropout, and 4 very naive teens - is beset by a succubus after they play a film they found in a hidden storeroom. The theater used to be a porno house, and the movie is the means to summon the sex demon. One by one, the people get tempted, until they figure out how to banish the evil.

I found this enjoyable because I hung out with a lot of naive Christians around that time and age, but it's a low-budget movie with cheap effects, and some bad story choices.

My major complaint is that it's a microcosm of all Christian hypocrisy. Of course, the pious owner is discovered to be not pious at all, the handsome boy is gay and went to conversion therapy, the girl who likes the handsome boy was the one who outed him, and one teen let his friend take the fall for helping him spy on women.

Of course, because these people are stupid and naive, they can't seem to figure out that the danger comes from succumbing to temptation. They continue to wander off alone and act in ways that they ought to know are dangerous. Being a naive and horny teen isn't really enough of an excuse.

Turn off your brain and as long as you don't mind the low budget, it's fun and funny enough.
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  #735  
Old 11-26-2020, 09:03 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Mausoleum (1983)

This is apparently a US production, but it feels just like an Italian horror film - a compliment, I guess.

A girl, despairing over her mother's death, runs from the funeral and discovers a sinister mausoleum. She enters it, and something mysterious happens. We cut to when she's an adult, and is living in her fancy estate with her loving husband. An abusive jerk accosts her, which seems to trigger something, and she kills him by setting his car on fire with her green glowing eyes. She then proceeds to seduce and murder men as the demon she's possessed by starts taking more control.

It's a pretty simple, but wild story. There's kind of a limit to how good these kinds of movies are, and this one is about at that limit. Bobbie Bresee gets naked a lot, which I think is the basic appeal of this film.
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  #736  
Old 11-30-2020, 06:59 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

While I was doing bills, I watched the rest of the Hell House, LLC series. Parts 2 and 3.

As found footage horror, the series does two things well: It comes up with a reasonable excuses for people having video cameras, and it delivers some pretty creepy/scary moments.

By the 3rd movie, the actual story gets... a bit lame. As with a lot of supernatural horror, the more explanation we get, the less scary it gets. The 2nd movie introduces a villain, and the 3rd move attempts at a resolution for the series. These parts are easily the worst part of the series. The best parts are simply the creepy moments like a clown mannequin looking at you when it wasn't just a moment ago.
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  #737  
Old 12-20-2020, 02:54 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Torso or
I corpi presentano tracce di violenza carnale. (1973)

A sleazy giallo slasher where a masked man is hunting the students in an art history class.

For all of its sleaze, it's a pretty good mystery and has an interesting and tense sequence between the final girl and the killer. The final girl shows a lot of resolve and intelligence which is often missing in these. It's a step up from the other Sergio Martino films I've seen, where all the ladies just collapse when confronted by a threat.

Yet, this is 100% filmed in the male gaze. Lots of lingering shots on the actresses and fetishizing the one black woman. The final girl needs to be rescued by the ruggedly handsome former suspect. This is a good film for the genre, but it's not elevating the genre in any way.
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  #738  
Old 12-31-2020, 10:29 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Queens of the Field

A French comedy about a fictional amateur football (soccer) team where the men get suspended from playing the rest of the season so women take over.

Outdated and misogynistic.

ABSOLUTE HORSESHIT!
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  #739  
Old 12-31-2020, 11:55 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormlight View Post
Queens of the Field

A French comedy about a fictional amateur football (soccer) team where the men get suspended from playing the rest of the season so women take over.

Outdated and misogynistic.

ABSOLUTE HORSESHIT!
Reminds me of a Matt Groening joke:

The French are funny.
Sex is funny.
Comedy is funny.
No French sex comedy is funny.
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  #740  
Old 01-01-2021, 09:48 PM
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Blood beat (1983)

A pretty audacious concept for a low budget horror.

Christmas is coming in rural Wisconsin, so it's time to hunt some deer! We open with a man hunting, getting a kill, then bringing it home to his house. He promises the deer he's going to propose to the woman he loves this holiday. We then meet the woman he loves, a psychic and artist. She's shocked at the dead deer, even though supposedly she's seen any number of dead deer before. She's also shocked he intends to propose. She's not the marrying type, even though they've been together long enough to have college aged children. This conflict over her resistance to marriage has apparently come to a head after 20+ years in the relationship and is one of the few subplots we follow through the whole movie.

Brother and sister come home for the holidays. The brother brings his girlfriend Sarah along. Sarah is freaked out by the dead deer the father is cleaning in the yard, then even more freaked out by the death stare the mother gives her. Sarah's not a big fan of the art around the house - it makes her feel like the mother is watching her.

Poorly judging her reaction to the dead deer the day before, the family takes Sarah hunting with them. She freaks out just before they shoot a deer, and panic runs through the forest. Somehow, she stumbles into a man dying - possibly the result of the hunting mishap she caused by freaking out.

Things aren't going too well for her this holiday, because this has seemed to trigger visions in Sarah, and now random people in the area start getting killed. Killed by an ancient Japanese Samurai. Every kill brings an orgasmic reaction to Sarah, so maybe the trip isn't a total loss.

As you might expect, the samurai spirit attacks the house, and takes over Sarah. The family must fight back with the mother's psychic powers.

Never before have I seen a film so bold in documenting the rural Wisconsin lifestyle. Even the mother, an artist and apparent new-agey Buddhist is not out of place in my experience.

The main problem with this movie is that the super low budget means non-actors and really, really terrible sound. It really only gets one culture right. There's a bit of bad and shocking yellow-face near the end, like "Sgt. Kabukiman" bad.
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  #741  
Old 01-05-2021, 11:08 AM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kamilah Hauptmann View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormlight View Post
Queens of the Field

A French comedy about a fictional amateur football (soccer) team where the men get suspended from playing the rest of the season so women take over.

Outdated and misogynistic.

ABSOLUTE HORSESHIT!
Reminds me of a Matt Groening joke:

The French are funny.
Sex is funny.
Comedy is funny.
No French sex comedy is funny.
There's a lot of truth in that. On the other hand, are there many (French or otherwise) sex comedies that are funny? :shrug:
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  #742  
Old 01-24-2021, 10:43 AM
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The Cleansing Hour

Two friends, Max and Drew, run a live streaming exorcism show. The possessions are fake, until they aren't, and Drew's fiance Lane is the actor who really gets possessed.

Is it any surprise that a self-centered ex-priest turned actor can't handle a real exorcism?

The movie has a strict 3 act structure. The characters and the rules for an exorcism are established in the first act. The first plot point is when it's discovered that Lane really is possessed. The second act is the struggle to regain control over the exorcism, and the third act, all the relationships have been transformed, and the rules of exorcism have been broken. It all works very nicely.

There's a few cheap jump scares and some stupid plot contrivances - some of it to pad out the second act and help winnow down the cast. I didn't like the ending, it had poor special effects and I didn't like the twist. It all made sense in the context of the movie, but I was disappointed. Otherwise, I liked it fairly well. It was fun and creepy.
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  #743  
Old 01-24-2021, 05:20 PM
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Default Re: Seen any crappy movies?

In the non-horror category:
all the "mystery" chick-flicks they put on Saturday afternoons, when there is no programming. Whether the theme is cooking, talk tv, flowers or antiques, it's all the same movie, just as all the Christmas romances are one movie with a thousand names.
Same faces.
Movie? I give it two minutes. If I see the chirpy blonde, I'm outa there.
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